MENTAL NOTE

Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run.
Blue, resist the urge to use facebook. You can do it. Good luck.
Cats and dogs can be friends. So can cowboys and indians. So can we.
Why try to be the best when there's no hierarchy in heaven?

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Craziness Incarnate

He who works too much will be overcome by extreme grumpiness and end up thinking too much. It's true. Look at me, I'm sitting behind my desk ready to prep five lectures but all I do is listen to that little boy who doesn't care about lectures ─ or a career. He doesn't care about grownup nonsense. He says it's all an illusion. Should I stop listening? 

Right before I was born someone tapped me on my shoulder and showed me a contract that I was supposed to sign first. On page one it said, "Lease on Life: Premium Edition". On page ten it said, "Sign here," which I did. Now I'm thinking... maybe I should've read the fine print before I plunged into this world inhabited by craziness incarnate. At the time I thought premium meant premium offer. Now I suspect they meant, This one is for you to pay through the nose, stupid! I would've never signed that damn thing if I had known the specifics of the "big surprise" they had in store for me. I once said to my mother, "Why did you want a baby, Momma? How could you be so selfish! I should've never been born!" It's probably the most hurtful thing I ever said to her, and I bet she still remembers three decades down the road.

Why am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because I love life but I'm not so fond of this world ─ to say the least. Plus I keep working my blue butt off wondering who I'm doing this for. I feel trapped. I have always felt this way. I know my lease on life is short, so why even care about getting good grades, going to college, finding a good job, buying a house, giving lectures (the best in the business, mind you!), publishing pompous papers and admiring my unrivaled mastery of alliteration in the process, being somebody? That Petit Prince inside of me is saying, "What good does owning the stars do to you?"

I don't know.

The stars will still be here when I'm gone.

I don't know.

* * *

98 comments:

  1. I tell ya - teaching job is as difficult as miners... People have no clue how much time it takes to prepare every single lesson and class...And to be focused mentally and intellectually each second, each minute of every working day.... And we spent half of the summer holidays at staff meetings, exams, entry exams, bureaucracy....

    You earn money so that you can travel the world, see places, make experiences, go places with the loved ones and friends..... Not that some of us have any of those... but you do. Blue..... you do....

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    1. I do, Dezzy. I know. I'm aware of that. I hope you're not holding my blues against me. Money is extremely important, there's no denying that. But the fact that I always work harder than I should, striving for that extra bit of quality.... I don't know. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who notices. Do you know what I mean? I guess I want to give my students the best I can give even when I'm as ill as I am. Thanks for your extremely kind words.

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    2. that's the way life is... people usually don't appreciate us, but the point is to die one day not being ashamed of ourselves... you know... And it will happen one day that you will meet up an ex student of yours and they will tell you how much your work actually meant to them... it happened to me even though I haven't been teaching for years now....
      Somebody will notice, even if we don't know it. My publishers never say anything about my work, even though I know its great, and even though I know they should be proud to have me. But readers notice, they remember my name, maybe someday some English lg students will read my translation and say = I'm proud to be his colleague, he always did such marvellous job.... Maybe you will inspire a student of yours to become a teacher and thus change their life. their direction.... We do that, Blue, we do that... even when you don't know it

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    3. You see, the thing is that mediocracy is all that this world of academia needs. It's good enough. You put in the hours that you're paid for and that's it. So what's the use of excellence? It scares half the population away and breeds envy in the other fifty percent. What purpose does it serve other than a pat on the shoulder and a bite in the buttocks if you're lucky?

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    4. the role of being a role model to that small percent that wants to save the world :) We would go nowhere as a race if everybody would be mediocre.... And how would you feel if you weren't special and different and better?

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    5. The right question is... How would I have felt if The Dezz hadn't been so unequivocally dazzzzling when I first met him?

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    6. you know, back when we met for the first time, my dazzling and dezzling self thought you was a girl /giggles/

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    7. WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

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  2. Aren't these questions we all ask ourselves? The point perhaps is not to seek personal aggrandizement but to help ease the pain of life for others. You seem to be doing so in part through your lectures. The education of people, expanding their perspective, that has to count for something, even if it's not immediately perceptible.

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    1. Yes, and it's about time someone came up with some answers. I've never been interested in personal aggrandizement thinking that's just an illusion and one that doesn't get you anywhere. I put in more hours than I'm paid for and my lessons should be twice as expensive, but somehow I just can't help myself. Mediocracy just isn't good enough. I may need a shrink or an early x-mas present.

      Hey... thanks.

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  3. Oh I've asked these time and time again
    Here at my den
    I'd much rather throw all the crap away
    And just enjoy each day
    But then I'd end up in a cardboard box
    With holes in my socks
    So we do what we have to do
    Many following the pack with a little moo

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    1. When I say moo!
      The world goes poo!
      Your favorite word online
      Mighty fine
      Have some wine
      Or a coke with a smoke
      No not me
      I'd die at my sea
      Cardboard box go to hell
      Don't you hear me yell
      Well
      I guess we're both the asking type
      Suspicious of the hype
      Or in my case... Skype
      But still no answers except one
      Work should be fun

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    2. Work should be fun?
      haha let me know when you find such a mythical one
      Then I'll join in
      And work won't be a sin
      Maybe go be a gigolo at your sea
      Then it would be fun unless you get an std lol

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    3. Fun like a gun
      Flush when you're done
      That kinda thing
      Making a gigolo sing
      Join in when dreams come true
      Sure, and my name ain't Blue

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  4. Some of the stars you see aren't there at all. They already went supernova we just haven't seen the light travel yet. Imagine owning the dead stars

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    1. So true. Now excuse me while I go and imagine what it's like to own dead stars. Or did you mean Death Stars?

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  5. You need to make a change, Blue. I don't know what it should be. When I felt trapped, a divorce was the answer. You don't need to separate from Angie, but you need to separate from something.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. I'm about to make a change, Janie. Less work, more fun. Bye bye Perfection... hello, Mr. Good Enough.

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  6. That's what I think too. What's the point ...

    My only hope is that it's better on the flip side.

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    1. Well, tell me... what is the point? Did you say... the flip side? I need some milk. Waiter!

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  7. We are all here to do the best we can, Blue. Whether you realize it or not, you have affected someone's life for the better--probably more than one (or one hundred.) Yes, this world is completely screwed up, in so many ways. But we as individuals have the power to make life on this crazy planet more bearable for the people around us. We can help each other to feel less trapped--perhaps even help find that elusive key to set us free and help us make any necessary changes. And isn't that worth being here for?

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    1. See that's why I like you so much... You're the embodiment of optimism. (Even when there are a million bugs.) Well, I guess you're right again. We may be here to do the best we can, but still... at what price? It's just that sometimes I ask myself if striving for perfection is (1) healthy and (2) appreciated, and if the answer to (2) is yes, why should we care? I know, they don't call me Blue because I'm such a jolly joker. Let's make life more bearable.

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    2. Ah, but doing the best we can is not necessarily striving for overall perfection. That is not healthy. To me, doing the best I can means looking at myself and learning to accept my own faults and shortcomings (because trust me, I have my fair share!) The real trick is realizing that those weaknesses don't define me. I am going to screw up--daily--for the rest of my life. But it's ok, because In addition to my weaknesses, I also have strengths, and I can try again tomorrow. Does it get exhausting? Absolutely. But that's why we have family and friends. People need people. It's a biological, psychological, and anthropological fact. And whether you realize it or not, you're a part of that.

      You don't have to be blue, Blue. Maybe you can be purple instead. :)

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    3. I wouldn't recognize perfection if it were staring me in the face, and still I keep striving for it like there's something wrong with me. You're right.... it's unhealthy. As is working 80 hours a week. I like that: "The real trick is realizing that those weaknesses don't define me."

      Hi, my name is Purple... (What do you think?)

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    4. It has a ring to it, but I think you're missing out on a golden opportunity here. With your job and your considered color change, you could become...wait for it...Professor Plum!!! BLAM! Life just got more awesome, didn't it?

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  8. Why so blue....Blue?
    I thought you had everything figured out!
    Tell us Blue.....
    Can you?

    Cheers!
    Linda :o)
    Ps......here's hoping you had a superb weekend....

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    1. I don't know, Linda. I was supposed to have figured it all out, but I guess the universe is more complex than my talent for poetry if you know what I mean. Maybe I should write another "If you were a..., what kind of .... would you be" poem. My weekend was pretty good.

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    2. I like the sound of that...
      If I were a....,what kind of....would I be...
      Let me think on that....for ...like.....a year!
      Hahaha!
      Love you Blue♥️

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    3. If you were a flower, what kind of flower would you be? :)

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    4. I would like to be a rose :)
      I feel like a rose:)

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    5. a dark pink, like a rose I have in my garden and smell amazing!
      all is true!
      Hope you are better and a hug to Angie dear:)

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    6. My toothache is not as horrible as it was a couple of days before but still pretty horrible :(

      Thanks!

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  9. Work is not my everything. Of course, that means I can't afford all the shinies, but that's ok. I don't want all of them. It's different when I want something. What do you want, Blue?

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    1. Peace of mind is what I want. And to be the king of Bora Bora. As in "It's the one for the money, two for the show..." That kind of king. I would inviteyou to my next gig, of course. Dezz will be the drummer. Do you play any instrument?

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    2. I play the piano, but that's boring so I'd learn to play the banjo.

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    3. As long as we not talking Deliverance-style banjo playing. ;)

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    4. I would be a good drummer! Or a fiddler! Or a harpist....

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    5. I thought you loved the flute...

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  10. I don't get grumpy, I just get really tired and incoherent when the stress and work piles up. I pass out everywhere, I spout incomprehensible nonsense, and everything is blurry.

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    1. You don't get grumpy... Is that a fact? Except when you've lost some weight, of course, but I won't tell anyone. My lips are sealed. You pass out everywhere... so do I. You spout incomprehensible nonsense... me too. And everything is blurry? Well, my world trembles 24/7. Does that count? We need a drink, is what we need. I'm buying. It's your lucky day, Damian.

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  11. My dear blue you need balance in life
    take a knife, cut through some of the strife
    some stars will always remain and shine
    and someday those special stars will align
    life is short enough, do some things that you like
    for just a day tell work to take a hike
    life is about balance not an easy task
    when we wear so many masks..

    Have a beautiful day filled with blue skies
    jump in that hot air balloon see how high you fly..

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    Replies
    1. When you said, "Take a knife"
      I wanted to tear our pleasures with rough strife
      Now, who said that, Sweet Goddess of Poetry
      I know for a fact it wasn't me
      You're right, I need to do more fun stuff
      When making a buck or two just isn't enough
      But Balance and Blue don't match like sugar and thee
      Or bourbon on the rocks with me
      Still, I will try a bit harder and one day succeed
      And then myself I will've freed.

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  12. Never stop listening to the little boy inside you!!

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    Replies
    1. Hi Phil. That's the kind of advice I was hoping for. I stopped by your virtual home the other day and I was wondering if it's possible to leave a comment without Google+....

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  13. It is really quite true
    Suddenly dawns on you
    What am I in this for
    Don't need it any more
    But a little voice
    Is making lots of noise
    Saying 'you got to make do'
    The best option for you
    Working hard is expected
    Something not regretted
    One extends one's contribution
    It will attract appreciation
    Good enough acknowledgement
    From other fellow 'humans'

    Hank

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    Replies
    1. Hank The Poetry Tank, how are you today?
      Visiting the Blue saying so much more than hey
      What does that voice tell you, I wonder
      Is it soft like pillows or as loud as the thunder?
      Is it forgiving when all you do is blunder
      Does it pat you on the back every now and then?
      When?

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  14. I let the little boy inside me run amuck!
    Then my wife catches him, and makes me choke him back down!
    The stars are just pretty trinkets that the gods dangle before.us...
    knowing that we will ever reach for them, but never grab them...

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    1. So do I. But my wife can't see him because he's got this invisibilty cloak or app.... Oh wait.... invisible is how I sometimes feel... he doesn't... Wait this is turning into a Dr. Freud session. I prefer a Dr. Who session.... Do you know what I mean? So she makes you choke him down.... He exactly does she do this? What's her technique?

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    2. Her technique is LARD...Love A Running David...apparently I am rather slow. I should lay off the sweets, but they taste so good!

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  15. So that is my new excuse for being grumpy and thinking too much...

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    1. You're welcome. Now, purrrrr. Or say meow! ;)

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  16. Life may be short, but it takes up all of our time. Or something.

    I have a headache...

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    Replies
    1. I've got this Blue pill... Maybe not...;) Yes, how dare life take up every second of our time.

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  17. Oh look at that lovely picture of you, Little Prince! Well you can't go now because you are responsible forever, for that which you have tamed!

    Lets have an empathy hug: I know exactly what you mean. I sometimes wonder why we go to such lengths to prove something and fit into society's "you're only something if you do this" when we are all such tiny little specs of nothing compared to the Universe. We get so carried away that we forget to smell the flowers along the way. I suppose, Blue, it's an inherent competitive, survival instinct.
    Never lose the child within for he is the only one that see's with fresh eyes and an open mind. :)

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    1. Aha... someone special is familiar with the story. Does it happen very often, I wonder, that your inner-child comes a-knockin' on your front door, Jules? I suppose what we all want is to be heard. It's a basic desire that is instilled in us by our parents and somehow we never get it out of our system. "Momma, Daddy... look: I drew a butterfly!" Maybe we shouldn't even want to get it out of our system. I'm not sure Petit Blue sees the world with fresh eyes, but what I do know for a fact is he sees things the way they really are, and that includes me.

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  18. Oh... and go and read this :) http://bemorewithless.com/the-story-of-the-mexican-fisherman/

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    Replies
    1. I read it and I love it. But... I still can't comment.

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  19. Blah I wrote u an update and don't see it. Well, that really sucks cuz I'm too tired to redo it. Must be ur lucky day.

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  20. Even though we won't live forever, we will live on in the effects and changes we've made in other people, good or bad. Personally, if at least one person turns out for the better because of me, then maybe this suffering called life might be worth it.

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    Replies
    1. Sounds like a plan and it's what I keep telling myself, but still....

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    2. Either way we are all children of the stars. They had to blow up to provide the building blocks to make everyone, after all.

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  21. What cute little blue prince:)
    Hope you feel much better dear grumpy:)
    ♡♥♡♥

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    1. This horrible tooth ache is still killing me. Thanks for asking.

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    2. you have a tooth ache? :(

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    3. Terrible does not even begin to describe it. This one has something to do with wisdom...

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  22. Everyone else has already taken all the good advice and heartwarming words above, so I will just say: if what you're doing doesn't bring you happiness or satisfaction, it's probably not worth it. Have a goal and work toward it - don't get bogged down in the details that inevitably arise to distract. I wish you all success and joy!

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    Replies
    1. Could it be that sometimes we see things too clearly? As in brutally honest clearly?

      Thanks :)

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  23. Sometimes no matter what we do it doesn't bring us happiness.

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  24. I think the awesome lecturers and amazing personalities touch others in ways we never get to recognize. The job may be thankless on the surface, but that's just the surface. And...if you're going to do something, why not do it the best you can? Doing it any less would than our best would be an even bigger atrocity. I hope you find what you love though, and that the change makes you feel fulfilled.

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    1. I think you're right. But is it wrong to not be satisfied even when you love your job and touch others in ways you never get to recognize? Is this as good as it gets? :))

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  25. Well bless mah soul...... and bless yours too, if you are so inclined. The Blue Man is blue. Did you ever see the old movie Funny Girl with Barbara Striesland? She sang, Rather be Blue...... goes like, I'd rather be blue, thinking of you, I'd rather be blue over you than be happy with somebody else. I'm thinking about cha, without cha, for you I'm strong.... I can't do without cha.... (something like that). Those old songs from musical extravaganzas are always sung by this old broad just because they make me "feel good." Funny Girl was the life story of Fanny Bryce and she could never do anything straight in the Zigfield Follies. She was supposed to sing the Rather be Blue song..... straight ......but she came on stage on roller skates and who could be blue with her antics. The audience loved it. Let's see, there must be a point in here somewhere..... like the pony and a shovel in a room full of horse poop. One dictionary meaning of WORK....A task to be undertaken, something a person has to do. Can lectures be given wearing roller skates, or something like that. Just think'n.
    Already I smell autumn in the early morning air so I'll be back very shortly. Save me a seat.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you very much. Yes, the Blue Man is blue. What's new? But I'm singing along. Hear my roar: "I'd rather be blueeeeeee...." Well, maybe I shouldn't. Sing, I mean. If that's what you can call it. I'm flexible when it comes to defining stuff. But I do know this much: once you've heard me sing, there's no herb that can cure your ears, I tell ya. Lectures can be given wearing roller skates. I will save you a seat. Bring your camera so you can put the spectacle on YouTube. When he went down, he went down with a bang.

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  26. P.S..... Your coreopses is fructifying, that jolly little elf.

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    1. That sure puts a smile on my face. Look: :))

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  27. I don't know as well Blue... but seems like I'm doing the same thing as you do..
    Anyway, just dropping by to say "Hi!". I don't much time to blog hop lately and it's making me dad :(

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    Replies
    1. Hey, don't worry about it :) Just don't be sad.

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  28. Oh dear - I experience the same thoughts & feelings. Maybe I signed the damned contract too. Love you Blue!

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    1. Wait one minute... Are you who I think you are? ;)

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    2. I could be. Are you free for dinner or will it be expensive? Hahaha.

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  29. So many changes in such a short time. Went from "hell" to "heaven" as of Monday of this week. Last week had another incident and I decided to go on sick leave. My blood pressure was over 200. And I have always had normal blood pressure. Then someone really went to bat for me. It's a long story. I'll miss my guys terribly. Amazing how one person can make ur life a living hell. I have another pup. I think I will be keeping him too. There is one adoptive daddy I am still holding hope for he works in Memphis so we will see. We have time. It took a moment for the Professor to learn to "share" his mommie. Other than that just very very very busy.

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    1. Unbelievable. But I'm glad to hear you wemt from hell to heaven for a change. One person is all it takes to become a potential killer, is what I know. Over 200? That's serious, Miss Marples. Going on sick leave was smart thinking.

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  30. Well whoever gave you the pre birth contract should go to jail for breaking the child labor and slavery laws!! Those bastards!!!.

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  31. Do we need visas for that lovely planet Grumps? I should be made an honourary citizen.

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    1. You know you don't. An honorary citizen you will be.

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